Vibing is commonly thought of in the community as “fluff talk,” or just filler in between your routines. Even by people who run completely spontaneous game, there’s never been an in-depth breakdown of vibing.
In this post, I will cover:
1.Beginning vibing: Always having spontaneous conversational material, and solving the problem of “stalling out.” 2.Set-up questions: How to vibe when the girl gives you nothing to vibe off of. 3.Timing: How to be completely spontaneous by vibing only off currently relevant topics. 4.Advanced vibing: Leading the conversation away from negative and boring topics, and towards emotionally powerful topics.
1. Beginning Vibing
A common problem for guys without a lot of social experience is that they “stall out” when they are having conversations with girls. This is caused mostly by a lack of experience with vibing, either by a lack of social experience or by over-reliance on canned material.
The most important thing to learn about vibing is that you cannot have an interesting conversation on a single topic for any period of time. The second most important thing is that outside of some very high-energy club environments, you cannot just switch topics randomly. You need to vibe smoothly from one topic to the next.
Vibing is mostly a process of topic association. With everything she says, a girl will give you a number of potential directions in which to take the conversation. Good vibing is the result of being aware of these directions on an unconscious level, and taking the conversation down the best path.
Let’s take an easy example. Suppose a girl said to you “At this party last night, I got really drunk and started grinding with my girlfriend and making out with her.”
Possible topics for you to vibe off of are: 1. The party last night 2. Parties in general 3. What you did last night 4. Getting really drunk 5. Girls making out with other girls 6. Her girlfriend 7. Grinding/dancing 8. Dancing at parties/clubs
This is the easy part. Just by recognizing what a wealth of topics she presents you with every time she opens her mouth, you’ll solve the problem of “stalling out” and having nothing to say.
Occasionally, you can break the association rule, and make a topic switch with no transition. The key to this is to do it sparingly, especially in low-energy environments. Too much totally unrelated topic switching makes it seem like you’re nervous and too occupied in thinking of the next thing to say to listen to the person and enjoy the conversation.
Once you’ve mastered beginning vibing and you no longer “stall out,” you can move on to the advanced version of vibing, which is picking the best topic to attract the girl with. More on that later.
2. Set-up questions
Usually, girls don’t present us with sentences as topic-rich as that last one. For example, let’s say you called a girl, said hi, and told her a short story. She laughs, or says cool or whatever, and then doesn’t follow that up with questions or a story of her own. You now have NOTHING to vibe off of. This is when most guys panic and bust out an irrelevant canned routine, trying to entertain a girl into talkativeness. Wrong move.
A better way is to ask what I call “set-up questions.” A set-up question is a question which is useless by itself, but opens up possibilities for vibing. They are basically the questions AFCs ask all the time. The different between a set-up question and an AFC question is the purpose it is asked for. Examples are:
What have you been up to lately? Where do you live? Are you in college? I hear an accent, what nationality are you?
Obviously, useless for attracting a girl by themselves. You want to avoid asking these questions too much, and only ask them as much as you have to in order to create material to vibe off of.
Let’s go back to our phone example, where you have nothing to vibe off of. This happens to me all the time, and usually I’ll ask the first set-up questions I listed “So, what have you been up to lately?” if she’s unresponsive to my initial story.
Sometimes I get a good answer from this, but often it’s something like “well I got called into work…it was so stressful…and then I watched some TV.” The possible topics here are work, stress and TV. This is something which stumps a lot of guys, when they aren’t presented with any emotionally powerful topics. The critical thing to understand with these responses are that YOU CAN SPIN ANY TOPIC, NO MATTER HOW BORING, INTO AN INTERESTING OR EMOTIONALLY POWERFUL ONE.
Let’s take the example of work. You can easily spin the topic of work into something interesting by telling an interesting work-related story which happened to you or someone you know in the past few days.
For example, in a situation like this a few days ago, I responded with “Yeah, I know what you’re saying, work can be stressful sometimes (pace her reality). I remember once I was doing the same thing, working for twelve hours, and I came home really tired. I walk into my kitchen to grab something to eat, and my girlfriend at the time was there, cooking something. At first it kind of freaked me out, I was like “how did you get in?” It turns out she actually broke in through the back door and just started cooking in my kitchen. But anyways, she knew that I was working all day so she decided to surprise me by cooking me some Salvadorean food for when I got home. And I thought that was awesome…I loved how she would always do little things like that for me. I thought I was tired when I got home, but after that I didn’t feel tired anymore. We ate, and then I took her out to a club and we danced all night. I think it’s crazy how you can think you’re tired, but then you see someone who you like and they can make you feel better. So anyways…you seem like the type of person who would do little things like that for people…are you?
Of course, don’t copy my story, you need to make up your own. If you copy mine, it will come off as ENTERTAINING and canned, and it will hurt your game. And most importantly, don’t tell the story to try to demonstrate value, do it to smoothly set-up the screening question.
The important thing to notice in this story is how I spin the boring topic of work smoothly into an interesting story, and then into a screening question. If you can do this, you can vibe even when the girl is having trouble opening herself up to you.
Timing is absolutely CRUCIAL for good vibing. The biggest thing I’ve noticed in conversations is that a really funny or emotionally powerful remark at one point in the conversation is no longer funny or powerful ten or even five seconds later.
The biggest social error I made when I was just learning how to vibe was latching onto topics, and “saving” them for later. Once I heard a good topic, I would ignore the rest of what the person said, and just wait for them to stop talking so that I could go off on my thread.
The most critical thing to understand with timing is that SPONTANEITY AND RELEVANCE ALWAYS TRUMPS THE VERBAL VALUE OF WHAEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY. Always, always, always. A great thing to say now will fall flat on its face ten seconds from now. If you have something great to say, but the person continues talking and gets on a different topic LET IT GO. However great it was, it is better that you say something relevant and semi-interesting than something irrelevant and very interesting.
This all goes back to demonstrating value. And by demonstrating, I mean actually demonstrating in a way that can’t be faked, not telling DHV stories which are actually a subtle way of qualifying yourself.
If you say something awesome but irrelevant, it comes off as attempting to compensate for your lack of value by trying really hard to come up with interesting conversational material. Also, it shows that you aren’t listening to her, and that you’re too nervous and wrapped up in what to say next to actually pay attention to what’s being said.
Contrast this to the guy who’s spontaneous at all times, even when it means sacrificing the opportunity to tell a few of his favorite stories. Even though he may not be verbalizing value by telling DHV stories, he is *demonstrating* value by being spontaneous. This shows that he is relaxed, enjoying the conversation, and not trying to entertain the girl.
If a really interesting topic comes up and you really want to talk about it, the only way to bring it up in a relevant way is to cut the other person off and start your thread. Be careful with this though…you only want to cut someone else off if you could significantly improve the direction of the conversation by doing so. I’ve met guys who cut people off all the time for no reason, and it comes across as try-hard and needy for attention.
Some examples of timing:
Girl: So the other day, my friends and I went to this really awesome party. Then when we were coming home, these gross old guys starting hitting on us, and I was like, ewww. But my friend is so drunk she actually starts going for them, and I have to drag her away. So anyways, we get back to my apartment and put my drunk friend to bed, and me and my other friends start talking about the guys we’ve gone out with lately. We were saying how weird it is, when you meet a guy and he’s drunk, and in the daytime he’s a totally different person. It’s like, there’s so many guys out there that are cool at a party, but in real life they’re just not boyfriend material.
Guy: Yeah, so the other day I was at this awesome party too… (guy totally missed the importance of the story)
Girl: (Same story)… cool at a party, but in real life they’re just not boyfriend material.
Guy: Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. I think girls can be the same way sometimes. And I mean that’s cool, I love to party too, but I think it’s important that people be able to both party, and be someone who you can have a good time with in the daytime when you’re both sober. Like, you seem like a party girl, you definitely know how to go out and have fun. What do you usually do for fun in the daytime? (Responded with something well-timed and relevant, AND spun her attempts to screen him into a frame where he is screening her)
POSSIBLY GOOD TIMING:
Girl: So the other day, my friends and I went to this really awesome party. Then when we were coming home, these gross old guys starting hitting on us—
Guy: (cutting her off) Haha, yeah I love that. I used to go to a club with all these girls, and they would always tell me all these horror stories about these fat drunk old guys who would try to hit on them. Like, they’d be dancing and this smelly old French guy would start grinding with them. That’s what I like about being a guy, when I see a smelly old lady dancing, I don’t have to go dance with her. (Good because it is relevant, but be careful not to overuse this. In this case it would be better to let the girl finish the story, because she’s trying to open herself up to you and give you better material to vibe off of)
4. Advanced Vibing (or, Directional Vibing)
When you are first beginning, vibing is about recognizing the possible topics and picking one in order to keep the conversation going. As you become more spontaneous and no longer have problems with “stalling out,” you want to use your vibing to lead the conversation down the best direction for attracting the girl.
The direction that you want to lead the conversation down if you are using a natural style is to lead the conversation towards a frame where you are screening her for the qualities which you desire in a relationship. If you are using an indirect style, you can also use directional vibing to lead the conversation into your routines. Of course, a routine will never have the spontaneity of real, spontaneous conversation, but by vibing well between your routines you can at least make them seem less canned.
If you are using Natural Game like I do, the direction which you want to lead the conversation will be specific to your own experiences and the traits which you desire in a woman. There is no one direction which is best for all people, but you always want to be leading the conversation towards screening for the unique qualities which you find attractive.
Let’s take the example from the section of beginning vibing. “At this party last night, I got really drunk and started grinding with my girlfriend and making out with her.”
Again, the possible topics for you to vibe off of are: 1. The party last night 2. Parties in general 3. What you did last night 4. Getting really drunk 5. Girls making out with other girls 6. Her girlfriend 7. Grinding/dancing 8. Dancing at parties/clubs
Personally, I love girls who can have fun, but I don’t like girls who are boring unless they are drunk. So, I’d pick to topics of getting really drunk and dancing, and say:
“I think that’s awesome that you can just cut loose and be crazy like that (qualifying her). I love girls who aren’t afraid to go out there and have fun. The thing is, with a lot of people in Boston, they’re really shy. Like, if they’re at a party, they won’t talk to anyone outside their group or dance unless they’re really wasted. And I think that’s too bad, because drinking is cool, but I think you should be able to have fun when you don’t drink too. So what about you, are you crazy like that when you don’t drink? (screening)
Of course, everyone likes different things. If you were into MFF threesomes, you could lead the conversation in a direction where you talk about her experiences with other girls, and ask if she is bisexual.
The most common application of this is that girls will repeatedly get on logical or negative topics during conversation. It is your job to recognize that these topics are hurting the conversation, and spin them into something positive and interesting which builds attraction.
Vibing is your most important verbal conversational skill. To develop the ability to vibe well, repeatedly put yourself in social situations, and become conscious of the array of topics presented to you. This will prevent stalling. Use set-up questions to create material to vibe off of. Time your remarks well, letting go of anything which you have to say which isn’t completely spontaneous. And finally, use directional vibing to lead the conversation down a interesting and sexually charged path.