Lessons on Phone Game: Interview with an Ex

I get a phone call from an ex-girlfriend that I’m still close with. We still hook-up, but I value her more as someone who I can talk to now. I think that may change when I stop travelling and I’m around more. For some reason, she’s an anomaly who is very self aware of her tendencies. That is, as opposed to most girls I meet, who only offer useless socially conditioned rhetoric, whenever you ask them about male/female interaction.

Over the course of the conversation, the topic of dating comes up. I ask, “What does it mean when you meet up with a guy, have a great time, maybe even kiss, but then when he calls you don’t go out with him? Like you make up excuses and don’t return his calls.”

She replies, “Well there’s this guy, Chris, who I met the other night. I really liked him. I offered him my number. He called me the other night, and asked me to meet up. I told him ‘You know what, I think I actually will. Let me call you back.’ I really wanted to meet up. For some reason I never did though. The thing is, that I can feel the emotion that I felt when I gave him my number, at the time that we’re talking on the phone. But the second we hang up, poof, it’s gone. Also, I actually have scheduling issues. It’s not like this is someone who I’m already friends with, who I’d give priority to. This is some new person that I barely know. If he happens to catch me at the right time, I’d go out with him. But I won’t take the time or go out of my way to return his calls. I don’t call guys.”

I reply, “So theoretically, you’re sufficiently attracted to this guy that under different circumstances you could have wound up sleeping with him. Or even gotten into a five year relationship, for all you know. But just because of ill luck in timing and because he actually believed that you’d call him back, now you’ll never see him again. Is this weird to you at all?”

She replies, “Nope. It makes perfect sense. I don’t care either way, because I have guys available to me at all times so it’s my last priority. That guy was cool and I thought he was cute, and maybe I’ll see him again later or something. I also just give out my number to be social most of the time. It doesn’t mean I have any intentions at all.”

I reply, “He could use that opportunity to continue the interaction to generate attraction down the line, no?”

She replies, “It’s happened before. Really I just don’t want to meet new guys. I like being social when I’m out. But if I’m attracted to a guy, I’ll probably flake on him. I’ve already slept with enough guys (she’s nineteen years old, and has been with five guys), I don’t want to sleep with anymore right now. When I was with my two friends hanging out at these guys’ house, we made each other promise not to let each other do anything because the guys were cute.”

I reply, “OK that makes sense. What if he’s really good looking? Does that make a difference? Also, do you think that when he calls it’s better for him to chat you for a while, so you can be reminded of why you gave him your number in the first place? Or should he just call and immediately try to make plans? Also, do you think it’s better to call you out on your bullshit in a funny way if you flake?”

She answers, “Looks means nothing when it comes to that stuff. I know within seconds if I could or couldn’t sleep with a guy. I knew within seconds that we’d have sex, the night that we met.”

I reply, “Are you serious? I don’t think that my looks are on a level that you’d want to sleep with me the second you saw me.”

She replies, “True. But it’s in your energy. The way you come across. I can’t explain it. As long as you’re not morbidly disfigured your looks won’t be the main thing I judge on. Girls all say they want looks, but they wind up with guys who aren’t hot all the time. There’s so many guys that I think are so hot, and I sit there waiting for them to talk and I’m all excited, and they’re like “hi” with some stupid line, and they sound retarded and act weird. It’s such a letdown, and most hot guys are like that.”

I reply, “Do you think the 25 point list I showed you has to do with that kind of stuff?”

She replies, “Yes, definitely. Also stuff that you don’t have in there, like just your voice and facial expressions.”

I reply, “OK, what about the other stuff with calling girls out on bratty behaviour? Like confronting her for flaking?”

She replies, “Well if a guy tries to argue with me, I’ll just hang up on him. He would have to do it in a totally funny way that doesn’t make me upset or annoyed.”

I reply, “Last night, I call up this flaky girl, and say ‘You’re so annoying to get a hold of! It’s so cute though, you’re so confused and disorganized. It’s like you’re my bratty little sister. I don’t even think I’m attracted to you anymore, I just want to take care of you and help you get organized like a big brother.’… Then she started giggling and said ‘No no no.. I’ll meet up with you, don’t think of me like that!’.. Do you think that was a good approach?”

She replies, “Yeah definitely. That was funny and if you did that to me, I’d be like “Oh yeah, well maybe I WILL meet up with you then!”

I reply, “OK awesome. So do you think it’s good to talk for like 15 minutes to remind her of what she gave you her number in the first place, and then go for a meet?”

She replies, “Probably longer than that actually. I’m not sure. For you maybe less time because you do this stuff. But most guys have no chance unless they’re lucky because I’m either bored or looking for something at that point in time. I guess their best bet is to try to talk to me as much as possible, so I become friends with them.”

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