Here is a bunch of field-tested openers you can only use on Valentines Day!

“Hey… Did you get my card??

You can deliver this with a big jokey smile, or with over-the-top conspiritorial seriousness. Sidle up to her and whisper with a wink, or shout across the crowded bar to her.

She’ll normally laugh and say yes – “what about the chocolates?” – she’ll agree – “and flowers, did you like them?”

Optional: “You liked them? That’s cool, not all girls like Triffids”

If she says no, say “Are you sure? It was in a 4-foot high pink envelope, I left it outside your front door.”

“Hey… Where’s my card??”

“I didn’t get a card from you today yet? and I want chocolates!… and flowers! I like it when girls buy me flowers. All the other girls here bought me flowers.”

Again, you can deliver this with a big wide smile or pretend to be angry.

I have yet to see a girl come up with a good answer to this. If she comes across as a bitchy all “why would I get you a card?” then she’s not worth your time anyway. Most girls just laugh and giggle at which point you push things a bit further as above, and then change threads. “So anyway, I need a female opinion…” using a canned opener or something improvised about Valentines Day.

“Hey, Thanks for the card!… *wink*”

There are two usual reactions to this, she may laugh and say “that’s ok”, in which case you plough on:

Give a little wink… “and those chocolates were great, it’s good you weren’t worried I’d think you were desperate. It was kind of you to promise to buy dinner in the note you sent with the flowers, too.”

If she says “what? I didn’t send you a card!” then you can agree – “ah no… of course you didn’t… and you didn’t send me those chocolates either… and those flowers probably just started growing on my doorstep *wink*”. Most girls are in fits of giggles by this point.

After any of the above, you can ask how many cards she really got. You’d be surprised at how many hot girls don’t get any, or say they don’t.

I tell them that one year I didn’t send any, but I got three. Then the year before that I sent SIX but didn’t get any back. Then one year I only got one, so I went up to all the girls I knew saying “Thanks for the card” until one of them owned up. Of course it was the one girl I really wasn’t at all interested in.