One of the two most common ways I see men shut down from the intense sensations that arise when relating with women is Contraction.
By Contraction I mean you are holding tight somewhere in the body.
By contracting you can literally numb out the intensity you’re actually feeling in any moment.
Which has probably helped you get by in your life in lots of difficult situations, but also happens to shut out the potential to experience authentic, tangible attraction with a woman…
Get this: The perfect line delivered in the perfect way will not fully land if you are coming from a contracted place.
This is a actually familiar experience to most men:
1. Holding tight across the shoulders & neck to cope with fear so you don’t get stared down by an aggressive/competitive guy.
2. Some guys will hold tight in their forehead when they’re with a woman to subdue their anxiousness. (Eyebrows neurotically arched; “Hey! How’re ya doing…really? Great, that’s really great…” – comes off as a ‘really nice guy…’)
3. The collapsed/slumped effect, to deaden sensations, when you’re contracted behind the sternum…
4. Holding patterns in the face are the worst…I call this the mask of impassivity (“Oh! That is funny…” or “Really?! Very interesting…”, yet only a wisp of his actual feeling comes through, so it comes off flat at best, distinctly odd at worst).
5. And, of course, there’s the really tough guys holding tight across their chest (“I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks; I just want to get laid…”; etc).
They’re my favorite in our seminars because when they let go of that tightness, what they’re actually avoiding feeling is that they actually care about everyone…deeply! They’re holding tight because they’ve got these huge hearts and feel vulnerable feeling so much, but by the time they leave they’re these big ‘ol teddy bears who’re hugging everybody like family. You should see them when we go out afterwards…smiling, naturally playful with everyone there…when these guys let their guard down, women approach them!
Exercise: What to do about it when you notice you’re contracted? Practice relaxing open. If you look down and notice you’ve been clenching your fist without realizing it, how do you naturally respond? You Simply Let Go…
Relaxing open can be tricky at first– what happens when you dam something up for awhile? The water level rises; there is often a lot of emotional buildup behind these patterns; we address that as well.
Meanwhile, as your body starts to open up, all that stiltedness will fade and you’ll find yourself actually feeling attraction with a woman.
However, feeling turn-on while interacting with her isn’t always fun, if you are off-center. Either leaning forward (“uh, I need something outside myself” – slimy), or leaning backward (“I’m turned on but I’m trying to veil it” – creepy)…You’re better off not feeling attraction at all.
But from a centered place, seated comfortably and authentically in yourself…in touch with your own sense of calm and ease even in the face of intense attraction…the difference is astounding when we take guys out to meet women when they’re grounded in that place. Many of the guys we work with start having such great experiences after grounding in their inner game they never really get around to their outer game…it starts to just handle itself naturally.