I find that there is an obsession with APPEARANCES in the seduction community and men’s dating advice.
You are supposed to make it look like you aren’t really interested in her, or you should learn to “say things in a certain way so that you don’t come off as needing her approval”…
They’re not suggesting that you actually LET GO OF THE NEED FOR APPROVAL. They suggesting you “make her think you don’t need her approval.”
If on the inside you actually DO need her approval, and on the outside you’re pretending that you don’t, then you’re just putting on an inauthentic front. And if women are as sensitive as I know them to be, then you’re screwed, because they can FEEL it!
Back when I was chronically in need of approval from women, it didn’t matter HOW I said things, or how much I pretended not to need it. They could feel it either way. And unless they were also just as needy (if not more), it was a no-go.
If I wanted a healthy, non-needy woman, I had to purge my neediness MYSELF. I had to BECOME AUTHENTICALLY WHOLE, rather than just attempting to convey the OUTER APPEARANCE of not being needy.
Ok, so you’re probably asking “How the hell do I do that?”
Well, I didn’t do it alone.
I got a coach who specialized in man/woman dynamics, and I took on as my first assignment, however hokey this may sound, was to practice being FULLY IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE, even if no other women ever approved of me or ever found me attractive again.
Damn! That was a bitter pill to swallow. I mean, no woman ever finding me attractive?…EVER AGAIN?
It was an intense proposition but I took the coaching. I took it on with full force. I stopped dating and approaching women, and just sat in the fire of my need…fully feeling and burning through all of my attachments. Instead of resisting it, like I always had, I was now allowing myself to feel it fully and deeply.
After some time, I realized that actually…
It wasn’t so bad.
There was actually an exhilarating freedom arising from the process of fully embracing the neediness. The more I embraced it the less of a grip it had on me. After a couple of months and some intense emotional releases, I was on the other side of a neediness that had been running my life for decades.
Women who I had been DESPERATE to date in the past, who were giving me the LJBF (Let’s Just Be Friends), were now experiencing me as completely different. They would say “Wow, you feel GOOD!” They were open to me, more than ever before, emotionally, energetically and sexually.
I wasn’t DOING anything differently, but I had done the INNER WORK to purge this neediness..and now they were basically throwing themselves at me…and I could accept their advances… or not.
No attachment! Wow!
I didn’t have to put on the APPEARANCE of non-neediness. I simply WASN’T NEEDY!
Few guys are willing to actually do the work, but if you’re reading this now you just might be one of those guys.
I’ll be honest, it was damn uncomfortable at times, sitting in the fire, faced with my own neediness, really owning, embracing and accepting it. But the benefits on the other side… man… more peace, more freedom…and more beautiful, sexy, wild, fulfilling experiences with women than I could have ever imagined.
But I needed a good coach to help me through the process–no amount of reading eBooks on seduction or attraction was going to help me.
So, if you’re one of those guys who’s more interested in cultivating Authenticity rather than Managing Appearances… It’s my sincere hope and desire for you to have the same Freedom and Ease and rewarding experiences with women that I did.