Do you ever get down when a girl is literally ALL OVER YOU in the club, but then wont answer your calls the next day? When her friends literally have to drag her away from you, but then you can’t get her to meet up with you to save your life?
The missing piece my friends is COMFORT. And guess what…Everything you’ve read on the subject is WRONG. To this day, I have yet to find someone who effectively addresses comfort. We read all these guides like “Rapport Questions to Ask” and good topics to talk about to build comfort…its all a load of shite.
There is this misconception that Comfort is the result of time spent with the girl. That time spent with a girl = comfort. This is totally incorrect. Often Comfort is a byproduct of time spent with the girl, but there is absolutely no direct correlation. In truth, Comfort is a product of understanding. How do girls explain Comfort? Connection? “We just clicked” “It felt like we just knew eachother” “He just got me” These are not time based, these are moment-based. Comfort happens in shared moments. It’s when you pause for a moment, stop thinking about what to say next, stop thinking about putting your dick in, stop thinking about everything. Just pause, look into her eyes and empathize with her. I promise you, no matter how beautiful or rich or anything she is, she is going through something. She’s troubled by something, excited by something, timid about something. Pause for a moment and just realize that she has these things shes dealing with, she’s going through, and while you may not know what she’s going through, you do know that she’s going through it. Look at her with all your emotional generosity, and communicate to her “sweetheart, I honestly don’t know what it is you’re going through, but I do know you’re going through it, and I want to be there to tell you it’s going to be ok” Communicate it in such a way that even if she walks away a minute later, she does so feeling a little bit more at ease about her situation. And even further, try to UNDERSTAND what it is she’s going through.
A little while ago I met a girl who had just moved to the city. She had few friends, no place to live, and was basically completely overwhelmed. To top it off, this small town girl had wandered into the biggest meat-market bar in the city and had tonnes of guys trying every trick imaginable to blow their load in her. They all saw her as nothing more than the cute, easy to talk to brunette. I was one of these guys – until I paused and looked at her. In an instant I felt an overwhelming sense of sympathy for this girl. She wasn’t some slut looking to get laid on a Thursday night – she was in a new place and wanted to make friends. She wasn’t some powerful hottie who rejected guys for validation – she was just a sweet, small town girl, lost in the city, and in completely over her head. I paused and looked her in the eyes, just a look of affection. All night she had put on this care-free exterior, confident, absorbing all the male attention. I slowly and lovingly pulled her in to me and gave her a warm hug. I looked her in the eyes again and asked “are you ok – really?” She looked at me with timid expression and said “really?”. I nodded. “Well, i’m a little nervous, I still havnt found a job, I’ve still got nowhere to live, I’m running out of money, and even little things like doing my laundry are stacking up.” I hugged her again, communicating nothing more than acceptance and empathy. “Sweetheart, I know it can be really daunting starting from scratch in a new city, but believe me, it’s worth it, and once you get through this you’ll be really glad you did.” In an instant her demeanor changed, she became nothing more than a sweet girl, new in town, and unsure of herself, but completely open to me. I genuinely felt for this girl – she was really going through something and I wanted to do something nice for her. “I’ll tell you what… tomorrow we’ll sit down together and go through Craigslist and find you a place to live, and once we’ve got that taken care of the rest will fall into place”. From then on, the other guys seemed to dissolve away – like they were invisible (do you really think that after that she’d go home with the guy who asked if her nails were real then spent the next 4 hours asking her favorite movies and music, “fractionating” attraction periodically??). She spent the night, and I kept my word.
I feel good helping others, and her and I are still friends. The saying is “the self always shines through”. This is true – girls see your heart, not your words. The thing is, there is no need to fake it. Just be an emotionally affectionate person. Be giving with your sympathy and genuine with your empathy. If Comfort is something you struggle with, I suggest you watch the movie Maria Full of Grace. Think about how you would interact with her – if you could communicate with her what would you express? Would you race to get your dick in? Or would you honestly just give her the little bit of emotional support that would mean the world to her? (for those that haven’t seen it, it’s about a girl who moves to America with little money, not speaking English, knowing no one, and in a totally fucked situation). These days my phone rings a lot – girls like to talk to me. They call me about how they’re nervous about an upcoming exam. How they’re excited about a new job. How they feel guilty about sleeping with a guy. Adulthood can be a pretty lonely place – often all we need is just a little bit of compassion, a small amount of understanding – if even just for an instant.
Where we share ourselves with someone, put ourselves out there completely open and on the line, and the other person gently tells us “hey, I see you, and it’s ok”. Just to be accepted and not judged. To be reassured but not patronized. When you can give this to those you interact with, not only will you notice your calls start being returned, you’ll also find the overwhelming joy of sharing compassionate moments with beautiful people.
Wow, this blows my mind, i thought al these girls just where having problems with themselfs, and I believed that was the reason why they where not open for a relationship, but now I understand, it is like you can be the super funny cool guy, but you als have to care for her.
Dear Stephanie,First I want to apologize for tinkag so long to respond to you. My middle child is going through a very challenging time and thus my own need to step into mom more fully and provide him with what he needs has trumped everything else for now. Like you, I am in the trenches of parenting young children and like many of the other faculty members of the Neufeld Institute, one of the primary reasons I am so immersed and passionate about Dr. Nuefeld’s material is because of the daily difference it makes in my own life.There are many things you touch on in your response that cut right to the heart of things. It seems that one of the most profound initial shifts that occurs for parents when encountering this material is in our understanding of and relationship to sadness. Our culture is so very spooked by sadness and we do everything in our power to run from it. When my children were young, I often got comments from people about what a good mother I must be because my children never cried. Little did I know what I was creating, and the ways in which I was impeding in their development by making everything work for them so that the tears never came. After overcoming my initial fears and cultural conditioning, what a relief it was to invite and embrace the tears, and find the place inside of me where I was no longer threatened by them. Now, rather than avoid them at all costs, my husband and I often silently celebrate with each other across the room when one of our children finally hits this place of futility, knowing that on the other side they will come to rest more deeply in our relationship and be a much easier child to parent.Your comment about feeling like you have known this material all along also touches on something Dr. Neufeld often speaks to, which is his desire to return parents to their own natural intuition. He often comments that we were never meant to be conscious of the dynamics he teaches about, as it was the role of culture to provide the conditions for a child to be deeply attached and in right relationship to the adults responsible for them. Because culture has broken down and is no longer doing its job, we now must bring what is meant to be deeply intuitive into consciousness so that we can make up for where culture is failing. While we are endowed with the instincts necessary to parent a child who is in right relationship with us, those instincts no longer work when dealing with the stuckness that has become so prevalent in the face of the breakdown of culture. It is when our instincts fail us in this way, that we must turn to the insight this paradigm offers to help us find our way through.In addressing your concern about how to build and maintain deep attachments with so many children, the first key is in your believing that you are big enough for all of them. So much of parenting is in finding the right posture, that of being the big mamma who is absolutely convinced that she is her child’s answer. If you can find the place where you believe you are big enough, you will naturally convey this to your children and it will provide them with some rest even when you can’t give them the kind of personal attention and time you wish for. I don’t mean to diminish the challenge you face parenting so many young children in the absence of the attachment village that was always meant to be there to support mom, it is immense. All of you must feel the futility and have your tears about how hard it is at times to have to share mommy.I encourage you to find little ways to resource yourself so that you can be who your children need. Often 20 minutes in a bath or on a walk by myself can make a huge difference for me when I am feeling empty. Finally, in preparation for your new arrival in February, putting some time and attention into building your attachment village could make a huge difference for all of you. We were never meant to do this alone. Please feel free to use this editorial as a place to grow your village. There is a wealth of resources here on the Faculty of the Neufeld Institute and within the growing community of people who are passionate about this work, that know what it is like to stand in your shoes and are more than willing to walk alongside with you and offer their support for the sacred task your are doing.warmly,Cindy
Ross, this page started off as fun and inmrofative, but has devolved into bigotry and venomous hate. As someone who prides himself in his careful choice of words and crafting of syntax, this seems pretty puerile, don’t you think? Anyway, I was with you at first, but you’re really grasping at straws here. By writing nonsense like this, you undermine any creditability you had/hope to gain.Hope you can respect honestly. Best, Rob