Social Intelligence. Having struggled so hard to learn it, I have so much to say on this topic. In this post I’d like to specifically discuss social vibing and insecurity (a very focused, but important piece of the puzzle).
There are many subcommunications that are being telegraphed at all times in any interaction. Both verbal and non-verbal.
Social interactions have features and customs that I suppose are designed to make them pleasant.
As social animals, we have the attribute of actually enjoying socializing just for the sake of socializing.
We socially VIBE.
The Essence of Social Intelligence
People who break the vibe are considered socially unintelligent, and despite being perhaps very good/worthwhile people, they will come across poorly.
Most people, once you get to know them, are really worthwhile. I’ve rarely met someone, who when put in a position where I was by circumstance made to get to know them, that I didn’t come to like.
So what’s the difference between someone who is COOL and someone who is UNCOOL? The way that they COME ACROSS. Their level of social intelligence. Their ability to CONVEY it. TELEGRAPH it. SUBCOMMUNICATE it. Understanding how to socially vibe telegraphs that you are secure with yourself. Failing to understand telegraphs insecurity.
Much of this post assumes that early game is now past, and you are in comfort building (if you use my PU model, if you are using Juggler’s, for example, then this would apply from the very start because he is full rapport).
LAUGHING AS VIBING
Laughter is not only a stress relief mechanism. It’s actualy a social mechanism.
Laughter basically shows that your social group is vibing well. Monkeys, while they can’t talk like we can, still laugh when they are in rapport with eachother.
Think to when you were telling a joke, and the group vibe was just so TIGHT.
The people were starting to laugh before you’d even delivered the punch line.
Maybe you said “I haven’t even told the joke yet, and you guys are laughing”.
And they can’t figure out why, and they laugh even more as you say this.
Also, think of how when you use cocky tactics, girls laugh/giggle. This is a sign that they are wanting to vibe with you.
The movie “Goodfellas”, in the scene where Joe Pesci is telling jokes at the restaurant table, and everyone is laughing harder and harder. Ray Liotta can’t stop laughing. It’s not just the humour. It’s the VIBE.
People who are not socially intelligent will LAUGH AT THEIR OWN JOKES. They laugh prior to the group starting to laugh.
Notice next time that someone laughs at their own joke first. Were you JUST ABOUT to laugh, but then didn’t when they did first?
They were attempting to FILL IN THE RAPPORT GAP.
When the boss of an office tells a joke, everyone laughs. When the beta male tells it, he worries that nobody will, and laughs at his own joke to fill in the so-called rapport gap.
Concentrate on VIBING, and don’t try to artificially push rapport.
Better, is to WAIT until the group laughs, and THEN laugh with them.
This gap is also seen when people say “right” after all of their sentences. They are trying to FILL IN the “right” that the other person SHOULD have said themself, IF THEY HAD been socially vibing properly.
Social Intelligence Articles by Tyler Durden: